Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Final Destination 5

I'm going to try and guess the plot for Final Destination 5: 

A group of young people (consisting of regular kid, regular girl, jerk, bitch, weirdo/loner, black guy, milf) are going to nearly die in a mass accident but be saved by regular boy or girl who has a premonition. 

Why are you standing in the middle of the racing track striking a pose? RUN!!!

They will start dying one by one in freak accidents while trying to figure out a way to stop death. When they think they figured out a way to stop death they realize that actually they didn't and they shockingly die anyway. 

Horror movies prey on the audience's real life fears. In this case, dying from an explosion while watching a 3D movie. 

Some of the death scenes will involve many fake-outs when something we think might kill the characters doesn't. Regular boy/girl will find a way decipher clues for the next death, but most of the time be too late. It'll often involve lots of bad acting, generic soulless casting and increasingly more and more idiotic set pieces.

Oh my! A sharp pipe. I better lean forward and position my head right in front it so the airbag will impale my head on it.

Yeah, bad idea.

Get back to me next year to see how much of it I guessed correctly.

I actually enjoyed all of the Final Destination movies, but with each one I enjoyed it less and less. I guess if I enjoy FD5 more than I did FD4 it'll be a step in the right direction.

Don't worry, they're not dead. They just fell asleep like half of the audience. 


Monday, June 28, 2010

Blake's Favourite iPod/iPhone Applications. Part I

Yeah, I wrote applications, not apps. It's enough that I need to butcher the rules of basic English by writing "iPhone" or "iPod". Next Apple will release a product called "iThinkiMLameLOL".

Anyway, this post is about Blake's favourite iPod applications. The list changes over time as he grows a bit older or just simply gets bored by one application or seduced by a newer one. But this is a list of ones you might want to consider if you're stupid enough to let you kids near your iDevice or even worse get them their own, or even worse get them their own three times after they keep destroying it again and again by sucking on the devices.

I Hear Ewe

One of the earliest I downloaded and a firm favourite for a while. Click on various cartoons of farm animals and hear the sound they make while the cartoon grows bigger to fill the screen. You can slide through two pages with a total of 24 animals. An upgrade added a new page with 12 vehicles which was extremely exciting for Blake who's obssesed with vehicles. Much as he loves Lady Gaga, he'll dump her like yesterday's soggy cereal for a car. Autos before hoes. Best of all? It's completely free.

I See Ewe

Just got it today and while this one isn't free, it's cheap enough and focuses on recognizing various shapes, animals and objects. Not the best of its kind, but more than decent.

Baby Flash Cards

Super simple. Cards with illustration and words. You or your little one can flick through the pictures with or without the written words. That's it. Shame they have big buttons on the main page linking to other applications, as babies might press them accidently and be taken away from their game. Well, can't complain too much since it is free. Regardless, Blake has figured out that by pressing the big button he is taken back to the main iPod menu, so it's not too big of an issue.

Giraffe's Matching Zoo

Available for free and as a deluxe version. A very slick matching game with great presentation, graphics and sounds. Deluxe version has a few more game options and a bit more sparkle.

Spongebob Tickler

Available in a free and deluxe version. Blake liked the free version so much that I splurged on the deluxe version. Tickle and shake Spongebob and when you're bored indulge in other activities like capturing jelly fish or dressing up Spongebob. Blake even figured out how to take a snapshot and set it as his wallpaper. Spongebob's voice might drive you into stirring your brain with chopsticks through your ears after awhile (and by awhile I mean 30 seconds), but I think it's very cute and clever and got lots of giggles out of Blake.

That's it for part one. More soon. Please feel free to mention any other baby applications and games in the comments. I'm always happy to learn about new ones and I sure so will Blake.


Saturday, June 26, 2010


I got the new iPhone, and not only that, I also got it on launch day. Before you jump to the conclusion that I'm a dorky nerd (you can reach that conclusion taking the scenic route), let me show you what my last iPhone looked like:

I wish I could blame Blake or the dogs, but that's my work. I dropped it many times with no damage until that one time where the screen cracked. Oddly enough I could still use the touch screen and even more bizarrely, this wasn't the worst damage the phone has sustained. What you can't see in the picture is the internal damage caused by Blake.

Using electric devices as lollypop substitutes has obliterated two iPod Touches and nearly killed my old iPhone. Though my iPhone managed to come back to life from Blake's attempted murder the old chap was never the same again. For one thing the big round button became partly stuck and I had to use ridiculous amount of pressure to make it respond. Sometime it helped if I first blew some air into the socket. Furthermore, while it would charge, it wouldn't properly connect so I couldn't stick it into a set of speakers anymore. And it wasn't ringing properly. In short, I suffered taking care of this dying phone for six months and enough was enough. I decided to suffer just a tiny bit longer and wait for the newest model.

I must say I like it. It's very slick and awesome and I love the screen quality. Everything is so colurful and bright you'd think you can just eat it (I hope Blake doesn't try). The video camera is very handy and in impressive quality. At first I wanted to do nothing but cuddle with my new baby and was looking to see if there's any legal way for me to adopt it as a son, but now that my new iPhone is three days old the novelty has worn off. The its-just-came-out-today-and-I-have-one feeling is long gone.

Blake got his third (!) iPod Touch for his second birthday and so far it has survived for over a month. The trick I found to reduce the chance of drool floods is to to put the rubber case upside down so the socket at the bottom is covered. So far, so good! Considering there are so many baby and toddler applications you'd think someone will make a proper drool-proof cover!

We also use iMacs which are nice, but we have no intention of getting an iPad. That's where we draw the line. It's a silly toy. Hey, my iMac is like an iPad only: The screen is bigger, it has a keyboard so it's easier to type, I don't need to hold it my hands as it has it's own base, it has USB sockets, I can use Flash on it and there are no finger smudges on the screen! Wow!

Tomorrow I might list Blake's favourite games/applications, though most of the time his iPod Touch is used to play Lady Gaga's Poker Face. I know, shocking. I was sure Bad Romance was his favourite until he taught me otherwise once he could make his own choice. He'd occasionally check out the Baby Einstein and Spongebob videos when he gets tired of seeing Gaga skanking it out.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Doggie Summer Camp

As planned, on Thursday we drove to Wales with Blake and the doggies. It was actually a very quick trip, took us less than three hours with a couple of stops. We left at around eleven. I had to pick up some stuff from the dry cleaners and take Leo quickly to the vet to make sure he's good to go since he had a couple of scratches we weren't sure about. All was good.

We were very anxious, but Dexter was kind enough to remind us why they had to go to be trained. In the morning I brought Blake to our bed for a few sessions of baby wresling. Leo and Dexter were both jealous and were eager to grab whatever was left of our attention. We weren't sure exactly what happened, I imagine Leo was trying to push Dexter away from us, but Dexter attacked Leo. The both of them were growling and barking and jumping at each other. It was utterly unacceptable for them to fight in our bedroom so close to Blake so I yelled at them to stop and even started hitting them with a shoe. It took Dexter a good twenty seconds or so to snap out of it. When he flips out, he flips out. There were obviously no harm done to Leo, other than his neck getting wet. Last time they fought like this Leo finished his dinner first and decided to help himself to Dexter's food - while Dexter was still eating! So I can understand Dexter's wish to protest, but there's a time and place for everything - not in our bedroom and not next to Blake.

We found the training centre with no problem and we parked outside. The dogs immediately started jumping in excitement. They knew that more often than not our trips take them somewhere fun with lots of places to run and pee in. Miron went in to bring one of the trainers while I stayed in the car with Blake and the dogs. They were of course moving around restlessly in the back of the car, eager to get out. I felt bad since they were oblivious to our deception and betrayal. Then people with dogs went by the two broke into mad barking and growling once again reminding me why it was necessary. Miron and the main trainer, Terry, came and looked at the dogs through the car's windows. After a quick chat he brought a big biker-type guy to help him. For a second I thought that was overkill, but then I had a quick flashback montage of all the many times my dogs dragged me around all over Britain. I think I clocked about 5 miles of total distance over the years.

It was very quick. The dogs got out of the car excited and we all walked in. One by one the biker dude led the dogs to the kennels. I didn't even get to say goodbye, which I guess was a good thing, as hugging them and whispering lovey dovey things in their ears would've just made them more nervous. Dexter couldn't care less and was just looking around excitedly. Leo on other hand was a bit more hesitant and kept looking back at me.

We went to the office and talked for a long time with the people running the place, business and otherwise. We made sure they knew every little bit of trivia about our dogs down to Leo's favourite American Idol judge (trick question, he hates them all equally).  Blake loved exploring the office once he was given a box full of toys kept by the manager who has her young boy come over sometimes. He even got to keep a cool yellow car as a gift (Blake had his own Sophie's Choice moment when he had to choose between the yellow car and a Thomas the Tank Engine). Tough deal for the doggies, good deal for Blakey! I glanced at the dogs a couple of times, waiting in their kennels and looking for us to come and get them. Hanging around so near but without access to the woofers was too much. I wanted to wrap things up and go as soon as possible.

I unloaded the doggie blankets we brought from home and lots of Shmackos, their favourite snack, and we left. We drove quite a bit, stopped for Burger King where Blake had his second ever kid's meal and he obliterated his fries and half a mini-burger (he did NOT like ketchup this time and tried shaking it off the chips that got "infected"). He also ran around all over the service station. So between lots of car time which he loves and the rest of the attractions Blake had a great day. He couldn't care less that we left the two cows behind.

Then we got home and that's when it really got weird.

No dogs greeted us at the door. A ghost house full of dog toys, food and water bowls, blankets, bones and tons of dog hair imbued into the carpets, giving them a unique new texture. But no dogs.

As the days went by it became more and more unsettling: no Leo lying on the sofa and pushing me off with his paws as I play my X-Box, no Dexter sticking his head over my shoulder as I change Blake, no dogs camping in the middle of the stairs, no doggies coming to me when I eat to ask for a bite, no doggies running around the room in the morning in order to wake me up, no Dexter farting in rhythm as he goes down the stairs, no Leo snoring next to our bed.

I miss all of that. I didn't even manage to bring myself to enjoy the first few days of not having to take my dogs for a walk early in the morning or just before I go to bed. Instead I found it hard to fall asleep and I'd wake up early anyway startled by the fact that the dogs aren't trying to wake me up. A bit like when Blake started sleeping through the night and I'd wake up startled anyway, worried that something might be wrong since he's not crying.

I know that being away from Blake for 3-4 weeks would be worse, but it's sort of the same. I won't be thrilled that I don't need to feed, change or wash him. All I'll think about is how I'm being deprived of his amazing laughter, cuddly hugs and playfulness and also worry that he won't be having too much fun being away from me too.

We left the dogs before, but I was never home alone without the dogs in the last eight years since we got our first dog Kato. This is just weird. But in two days it'll be the end of the first week and I'll get closer to a teary reunion. Running towards each other in slow motion through a field of flowers and all that crap.

The first morning without them was the worst. I expected the dog people to call and tell me that Leo has died overnight from a broken heart. Yeah, a tiny part in me actually feared that. Drama queen much? Thankfully that wasn't the case. In fact, seems the dogs have actually bonded with their trainer, Terry, and are having fun. Ungrateful bastards! They should be at least as sad as I am if not more!

The dog people sent us a couple of pictures today to prove that the dogs are still alive and well:

Leo loves soaking some rays.

Dexter loves looking sexy for da ladies.

I miss you guys...


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Road to Doggie Juvie : Chapter 3

Dex to Mex here. Yo. Let's keep it quick coz I got CRAZY plans for tonight. Me and some bitches are gonna paint the town yellow. I drank a lot and gonna pee like there's no tomorrow.

Where was I? Yeah. The hedgehog. The other day I found a hedgehog and Papa was so jealous he kept chasing me and trying to get it out of my mouth. Get your own, cuddlebutt! Eventually he got the spiky thing and what does he do? WHAT DOES HE DO? Let the bugger go. Could not believe it.

So... GAAAAH. Enough. I don't know if you figured it out, but it's not really Dexter writing. It's still me, Mickey. No, seriously. I only pretended to be Dexter. No, seriously. I know it was utterly convincing and I fooled you and I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to deceive. I promise to never abuse my divine writing skills again in order to impersonate (or more like imdogate) someone else.

The thing is, Dexter is very hard to control and ever since the fight with the Jack Russels he became even more of a handful. His intentions are good and pure, but he's gotta figure out that he's not in charge. So off he goes to training school for three weeks. We weren't sure if we were going to send Leo as well as he's easier to control and also older, but we were told that if only one of them gets the training all the bad habits from the other dog will rub right back as soon as they reunite, which makes sense.

So, much as it breaks my heart, tomorrow we're going to all pile into the car and drive for almost four hours to South Wales to drop the doggies at summer camp. At least I'd rather think of it as summer camp. Just hopefully not the kind with machete wielding, hockey mask wearing killers.

We've been away from the dogs in the past for three weeks. We were even away for four months when we had to go to Toronto for Blake's birth. But this is the first time we'll be staying home and the dogs won't be here. I never stayed in this house without having to feed and walk my doggies. The house is going to be so empty... No Leo snoring next to our bed. No Dexter combo stringing farts as he goes down the stairs.

And they're not going to like it. Especially Leo who's very attached and neurotic. We asked the trainers to keep an eye on Leoshy and if he doesn't settle in and is too upset we'll drive right over to pick him up and take him home.

I kinda want to drop them off already and get it over with, as waiting for that moment is so upsetting. Then after that I can start the countdown toward the teary reunion with two clever and well behaved doggies who can show off to daddy and papa all the new tricks they learned.

Not to mention that taking the dogs out will be far less stressing and I'll be spending more time vertically during the walks.



Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Road to Doggie Juvie : Chapter 2

Another one for the ladies. I'm pretty, accept it and move on.

Hey peoples! It's your homie Dexterror the Great (Dane). I like this blog thing, much better than licking my balls while I wait for my next walk or meal. Well, it's not really better than licking my balls, but a close second.

Where was I yesterday when I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, "Hellz to the no, bitch goes down."

I gave the order and both me and Leo rushed that evil-but-pretending-he's-not poodle, dragging Papa behind us. He was like "No! Stop!", but whatever, talk to the paw coz the face ain't listening. He can let go of the leads if he wants, the schmuck, but there's no stopping the D-Train (the D is for Dexter, that's my name). Leo stopped once he realized Papa was being dragged on the pavement like a Scandinavian hooker on a bank holiday. It was really all up to me now. People from both the restaurant and the pub were gathering around looking from every balcony and corner. They wanted a show and I was going to give them one.

I'm strong, but even I have my limits and I stumbled and me and Papa were rolling together for a bit before we came to a stop. Not only was he not helping, the doofus was getting in the way! But there was no time to die of embarassment. This dawg had business to take care of. The evil poodle was getting away!

I got up before Papa and ran away. On the plus side I managed to wriggle out of my collar during our Katamari Damacy impersonation (a dog making a videogame reference, respect!). Papa got up and started chasing us. I thought he finally got his act together and was helping me. He was certainty cheering me on as he kept shouting my name again and again. I nearly got the poodle but he went hiding under a car. I stuck my head under it, but it was too tight to crawl under it.

The poodle came out the other way and ran down the beach. I ran after him and Papa was running after me. It was the most amazing moment in my entire life ever (other than the one time we got pork pate for dinner), until I realized Papa was completely and utterly insane.

He was chasing me, I realized! So I was like "what the fuh?" and I found myself running away from him rather than chase the evil poodle who can now plot away his revenge. Stupid humans! Eventually Papa caught me and punished me. He was obviously jealous of my bravery. The humans were talking a bit and then we all walked away. Now if that poodle will come one night to kill us all in our sleep don't blame me. Partly coz I tried to warn you and partly coz I'll be dead. Thanks Papa!!!

And then there was the thing with the hedgehog the other day.

But I gotta go jump around in circles in the living room and bunch up the big carpet into a big ball. It's that time of day.


Chapter 3

Monday, June 14, 2010

Road to Doggie Juvie : Chapter 1

Me, looking sekshy for the ladies

Hey bitches, since Papa's brain is still on a break this post is written by his best dog evah, Dexter AKA awesomest dog in da world. Kinda hard typing with my snazzy paws so I use telekinesis to rock the keyboard. It's hard, yo.

Man I am pissed. Can't remember when was the last time I was this pissed, mostly coz I have the short term memory of a box of Tictacs. Here's the thing, my so called "masters" (delusional much?) decided to send me and my brother from another mother to doggie juvie. I swear on my silver name tag, not making it up. Fools think I need to be trained.

Unbelievable. And when I say unbelievable it's a big deal, coz I'll believe anything. Just the other day a broomstick fell down and I was totally sure it was alive and wanted to kill me so I barked at it for, like, a lot.

You remember those two stupid Russel Brand dogs Papa told you about earlier? Here's my side of the story, OK? These two dogs ran at us and instead of rushing them and kicking their butts Papa just stood there holding the leads, frozen in place. The poor son of a human was pissing himself because of those two tiny dogs. Embarrassing, really, but not surprising since he's a gay. What a dog to do, huh? So when these dogs reached us I took matters into my own paws and flipped out like nobody's bizwax. It... Was... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! RAWR! I'm getting all pumped up typing this and I think I just peed a little. gotta chill the fudge down. Gotta think about boring stuff like Papa playing his X-Box. OK, better.

Anyway, since that day I decided that I'm the new head of that family. These losers are doomed without me. A bunch of useless Lilly-white pussies. I love them, but for Dog's sake they can be a bit annoying.

The other day the gang all skedaddled (don't know what it means, but I like that word) on holiday and we even found an outdoor restaurant that lets dogs in. As we left this restaurant a little poodle came out from a pub across the street. He had one of those expressions on his face, you know: "I'm just minding my own business and being cute, but really I'm just waiting for the right moment to re-arrange your face when you least expect it and then I'll tap your mom." There was Leo and me, Papa, Daddy, Blake in his stroller and granny.  Papa was holding both Leo and me on the leads like a Japanese tourist in a Lebanese supermarket during a Ramadan sale. Am I going to let that Poodle maul the crap out of my family? Hellz no. F*** that s***, bitch is going down.

To be continued. I gotta go take a crap right in the middle of the lawn. It's that time of day.


Chapter 2

Monday, June 07, 2010

My Brain is on a Break

I actually tried writing, but nothing good (or at least up to my not-so-high standards) comes out. We came back from a week's break and my brain seems to still be on holiday time.

Or maybe I just wrote about absolutely everything that matters? Maybe the badly edited book that is my blog has reached its last page? The end?

Well, I don't think so, but even if it was it won't be worse than the Lost ending.