Monday, June 14, 2010

Road to Doggie Juvie : Chapter 1

Me, looking sekshy for the ladies

Hey bitches, since Papa's brain is still on a break this post is written by his best dog evah, Dexter AKA awesomest dog in da world. Kinda hard typing with my snazzy paws so I use telekinesis to rock the keyboard. It's hard, yo.

Man I am pissed. Can't remember when was the last time I was this pissed, mostly coz I have the short term memory of a box of Tictacs. Here's the thing, my so called "masters" (delusional much?) decided to send me and my brother from another mother to doggie juvie. I swear on my silver name tag, not making it up. Fools think I need to be trained.

Unbelievable. And when I say unbelievable it's a big deal, coz I'll believe anything. Just the other day a broomstick fell down and I was totally sure it was alive and wanted to kill me so I barked at it for, like, a lot.

You remember those two stupid Russel Brand dogs Papa told you about earlier? Here's my side of the story, OK? These two dogs ran at us and instead of rushing them and kicking their butts Papa just stood there holding the leads, frozen in place. The poor son of a human was pissing himself because of those two tiny dogs. Embarrassing, really, but not surprising since he's a gay. What a dog to do, huh? So when these dogs reached us I took matters into my own paws and flipped out like nobody's bizwax. It... Was... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! RAWR! I'm getting all pumped up typing this and I think I just peed a little. gotta chill the fudge down. Gotta think about boring stuff like Papa playing his X-Box. OK, better.

Anyway, since that day I decided that I'm the new head of that family. These losers are doomed without me. A bunch of useless Lilly-white pussies. I love them, but for Dog's sake they can be a bit annoying.

The other day the gang all skedaddled (don't know what it means, but I like that word) on holiday and we even found an outdoor restaurant that lets dogs in. As we left this restaurant a little poodle came out from a pub across the street. He had one of those expressions on his face, you know: "I'm just minding my own business and being cute, but really I'm just waiting for the right moment to re-arrange your face when you least expect it and then I'll tap your mom." There was Leo and me, Papa, Daddy, Blake in his stroller and granny.  Papa was holding both Leo and me on the leads like a Japanese tourist in a Lebanese supermarket during a Ramadan sale. Am I going to let that Poodle maul the crap out of my family? Hellz no. F*** that s***, bitch is going down.

To be continued. I gotta go take a crap right in the middle of the lawn. It's that time of day.

--Dexter

Chapter 2

2 comments:

Janey B said...

You are such a clever doggy to write so cleverly with your paws. You didn't mention whether you sniffed any butts (like the poodles). I am sad because you didn't sniff my butt on Sunday. But I still love you xxx

.jon said...

What a face, he is adorable!