Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Make Your Own Zombie Movie

I used to love zombie movies, but the ironic cannibalism of the genre with so many zombie movies shamelessly feasting on each other's remains made me sick of it. One thing is clear, though: zombie movies is where the quick cash is.

Make your own zombie movie and make sure to include at least 75% of the following points:

* A group of very diverse characters, almost random.

* People coming to the emergency room with a "weird illness".

* Worrying news reports and instructions that suddenly stop.

* Zombies digging their way out of coffins and packed dirt.

* Don't bother explaining why the zombie infection is happening.

* A natural leader type character everyone looks up to for answers.

* A jackass character who wants to be the leader. Gets the group in danger, but dies horribly.

* It's impossible/very hard to kill a loved one who turned into a zombie.

* A zombie child, because it's extra sad.

* A bunch of armed soldiers who think they are now in charge because they have guns.

* Crowds of zombies walking in the street.

* Crowds of zombies banging on doors.

* Humans shuffling like zombies to fool the real zombies.

* Someone gets eaten and torn in half by a group of zombies.

* Someone with a science background theorizes about the zombies - then gets eaten and torn in half.

* The zombies are unstoppable until someone figures out they die if you destroy their brain.

* An infected survivor keeps his bite a secret from the rest of the group.

* The group barricades themselves in a sanctuary, but eventually it's overrun by zombies and they have to make a run for it.

* Zombies kept as pets or for experiments, usually ending badly.

* The military shoots or nukes human survivors to maintain quarantine. The horror!

* An idiot who stands too near a window and gets grabbed.

* Suddenly anyone knows how to use a gun and get perfect headshots.

* An evil group of humans who decide to take advantage of the new lawlessness.

* Raiding shops for food and weapons where plenty of zombies lurk.

* People who don't understand what is going on and think maybe the zombies are just "sick".

* The self-sacrifice by some brave fool.

* The zombie scenario as a very heavy handed metaphor of the human condition.

* The ninja zombie who sneaks up on someone from out of nowhere.

* Costumed zombies: cheerleaders, waitresses, tuxedo suit, clowns, football players, etc. 

* A human does something terrible! Humans are the real monsters! GASP!

* Characters use downtime to remember what life used to be like.

* Characters use downtime to share sad stories about loved ones who died before we met them.

* Characters use downtime to ponder what life is going to be like from now on.

* Characters use downtime to wonder how far the infection has spread worldwide.

* A group of humans start their own mini-society which is always on the brink of falling apart.

* Oh no! Surrounded by zombies and no where to go!

* There is a safe place the group of survivors want to get to. Or is there?

* Goofy zombies used for comic relief. The kind of retards it is OK to make fun of.

* Hilarious post-modern self-aware meta comments by a witty character who knows all of the above zombie clichés and comments about them.

Take all of the above plot points, mix them well, let it sit for a couple of hours and then eat it because I will have nothing to do with it!

God, I hate zombies.


1 comment:

Mark said...

Dude, I'm in day three of trying to watch Zombieland with Johnny. Are you trying to ruin it for me? It sounds like you know your stuff.